World Breastfeeding Week

3 years ago, I was reading a "how to prepare for nursing" article in BabyTalk magazine. You know, that free magazine you get that is full of mostly useless information and tons of advertisements? At first, I was ticked off- it doesn't scream "don't you want to breastfeed your baby?" to preggos. In fact, it could send them running in the opposite direction. And I LOVED nursing my daughter. We had a rough first six weeks, but after that it was wonderful and easy. However, after reading it, I was cracking up. Sorry. Here it is...
"Day 1: Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
Day 2: At bedtime, set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped in a pair of chip clips.
Day 3: Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing 'I Feel Pretty.'
Day 4: Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.
Day 5: Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on 'medium pile.' Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.
Day 6: Obtain 'Do Not Cross' tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say 'Get used to it.'
Day 7: Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.
Day 8: Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.
Day 9: Record your mother proclaiming, 'Just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she'll sleep right through the night.' Play in an endless loop at 1 A.M., 3 A.M., and 5 A.M.
Day 10: Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed, and stand very still in your backyard.
Day 11: Go someplace public- a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building- and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.
Day 12: Suckle a wolverine.
Congratulations! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe."